In the past five months, I believe that I have come a good bit a ways since Dakota's passing. At first, I hated to think about it. I didn't want to face it. It was unfair. Why did it have to happen to my baby? What did I do to deserve this? What did Emma do to deserve the loss or what about my husband? These are all questions, where at first I asked.
Over time I have gotten the answer to all of these questions and then some. If you would have asked me five months ago, how loosing my daughter made me feel, I would of come off with I don't know. Every day I would feel something different, whether it be anger, sadness, hostility, or happiness.
I would tell you that I didn't think it was fair that our baby girl had been chosen for a special something for Christ. I would tell you that I didn't believe Jesus would allow me to carry a baby for so long and just yank her away from me in a moments notice.
Of course, as time went on and I allowed myself more time with the Lord, I came to see things differently. I wasn't being punished. I wasn't being forced to go through all of this pain because I wasn't doing it right. Everything I went through with Dakota was a blessing. I was blessed when I became pregnant with her.
Each milestone within the pregnancy was a blessing. Hearing her first heartbeat was a blessing. When we saw her for the first time wiggling around in my womb, was a blessing. We as humans tend to forget that everything in life is a privileged, not something we are entitled to. I came to thank the Lord for blessing me with those tiny kicks, when I could have had none. I thank him for allowing me to hear her heartbeat and to see her on the ultrasound. Those were blessings.
Then, he allowed me to know what sex I was having, a beautiful baby girl. I could have not went as far as I did in the pregnancy. I could have had an early miscarriage and still wonder to this day if she was a boy or a girl. The Lord blessed me enough to give birth. Why? Because it's a privilege., not a right!
I was able to hold my baby girl and kiss her, even though I wasn't able to hear her first cry or see what color her beautiful eyes were. I wasn't privileged to know this. This was something that was only for the Lord to know. If I were blessed with seeing her eyes or hearing her cry, the Lord knew that I wouldn't be able to handle was would have come after.
He didn't allow me to bond with her. You see, the Lord knows what is best for us. He knows what we can handle and what we can't. He knew I wouldn't have been able to see my precious baby girls eyes and hear her cry, then say Good bye. I wasn't strong enough. I agree. I don't think I could have done it.
So I thank the Lord everyday for what He gave me as a privilege to see and come to know. I thank Him for saving me the heartache that would have been caused if He didn't take Dakota when he did. You see everything you go through, it's a blessing.
The blessing isn't about not knowing, it's about knowing and then recognizing the blessing. Once one realizes their blessings, it's up to them on how they handle it. I choose to shout the Lords word and his actions that I have seen, so others can see it too.
You don't have to have had a loss to realize that everything we go through is by the choice of the Lord. It's up to us on how we react. Are we going to use our stories to help others see their blessings? I know I am. So, take a look around you... everything you're stressed about... is a privilege because one day, you'll be able to say... "It will all be okay."
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